Uncover

I've spent seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years in self inflicted darkness with my eyes covered in the blindfold of my fears and untrust. Now in the moment where I decided that the time has finally come to allow myself to see and understand what I have been hiding from, I suddenly find myself standing in a desert alone. Thirsty and craving for freedom I run and the sand slaps me in the face, my tears struggle to fall, my feelings are in battle with my conscience, my mind is at war. I keep running feeling like my heart is beating out of my chest and I look behind me trying to find out what I'm running from.

Nothing is there to be discovered and I realise that I am running from myself, nevertheless I will not stop, I can not stop. My own self is the threat to my existence.

After all this time in blindness, vision is overwhelming. I try to grip the hands of time to beg it to stop passing, to stop leaving me behind in all my despair. Time will not listen and my hands are benumbing in the constant wait, outstretched for someone to hold.

Eventually the scenery around me changes, I find this a proof that nothing is everlasting, a proof that I am human and my life is a circle of events - I am a footprint, a breath, a kiss, a muscle contracting from pain and agony. I am an embryo, soon to be fetus, soon to be a baby entering this world hearing the vibrations of my own screaming… Little waves, little atoms, little beings. I don't want to be here.

I undress and leave my skin covered in nothing but hope, the same hope I thought I had lost somewhere along the line of the roads I have fumbled to find my way in. I dive in to the ocean of my emotions and discover that I can not swim. I feel my lungs filling with disappointment, betrayal, loneliness, anxiety. My body is gradually heavier and I sink deeper and deeper. A white light flashes before my eyes and I feel myself becoming one with the water, becoming one with my senses. At last, peace.