"Who am I?"

I took a long walk tonight
stepping slowly down the streets of Paris.
Somehow I felt blind
because nothing I could see was anything at all.

I thought of sleeping on a bench
to substantiate and justify
my constant feeling of being homeless
my everlasting search for shelter
in places
and faces.

Even a child who plays hide and seek
would want to stop playing after some time
if (s)he couldn’t find the other kids.
And anyone laying a puzzle
would be puzzled themselves
if they couldn’t find that last missing piece.

I am too,
tired.
And,
I am too,
missing.


There is an expression
"so far, so good"
but I'd rather say
"so far, so bad"
though I keep my words in my mouth
because nobody likes an ungrateful, whiny bitch.

So instead,
I want to thank all the people in my life
for they have contributed to my death
And I'm hoping for resurrection
like the one Jesus supposedly had
but I don't think it's going to come
because I can't perform miracles.

PICS) Jannis jamming in my room

Child

Your clear eye is the one absolutely beautiful thing.
I want to fill it with color and ducks,
The zoo of the new

Whose names you meditate
April snowdrop, Indian pipe,
Little

Stalk without wrinkle,
Pool in which images
Should be grand and classical

Not this troublous
Wringing of hands, this dark
Ceiling without a star.

Sylvia Plath

One day on Earth

My best friend shared this video on facebook, and I am blown away.

It is unbelievably amazing.

Faces

I don't really know where I lost myself
so there's no point in going backwards
and trying to find a trace of the old me.
Instead
I have created a collection of faces
identities
personalities
new "me"s.

I like to call it "the masterpiece"
and
myself, "the megamind"
as in that cartoon movie,
with that evil guy who has a giant head
and who tries to take over a whole city.

One face for every occasion.
My collection is expanding,
right now I'm working on accessories,
like
feelings
and thoughts
and other things in that category,
called "indefinable".

It's rather popular, I must say.
So far I have only received compliments,
people don't bother
trying to figure you out
if you pretend like you're not at all complicated
and actually happy
and sociable
because they have no idea
that your imagining how to kill them
behind that charming smile
of whichever face you're wearing at that particular moment.
And then
how to kill yourself.

So tonight I'm wearing "exciting"
which is a mix between "interesting",
"outgoing" and "mysterious".
Unfortunately,
I had worse luck trying to create its accessories
such as the feelings,
all I accomplished was "apathetic"
but I like challenges
so it will be an interesting evening.

Wish me luck.

L'oiseau libre

This sunny yet rainy day in Paris was spent with a couple of friends, we visited the museum Cité de la Musique to see their Bob Dylan exhibition. It was nice! I'm a big fan of Bob Dylan but I really don't have so much more to say about the exhibition since it didn't consist of much that I haven't seen or heard before.

PICS) Bob Dylan by Kramer

"Just maybe, I'll come home"

PICS) Snapshots from everyday life in Paris

Pommes et prunes

Last week I visited the museum Jeu de Paume (Concorde) to see their current exhibitions, now consisting of photography by Chinese architect, political activist and photographer Ai Weiwei, deceased French Berenice Abbot and installations by Jimmy Robert. I wasn't as impressed by the actual technical work of Ai Weiwei as I was by his creativity, ideas and willpower and his series of photos of famous places to which he points his middle finger were truly amusing. Abbot's old photos of 1920's NYC and footage of scientific experiments and facts were very interesting to see. Unfortunately the Jimmy Robert's installation did not catch my interest.

Right now, top priority on my "to visit" list of exhibitions is the of Tim Burton at La Cinémathèque Française.

PICS) Ai Weiwei in Beijing, Washington DC, Paris.

BLACK CAB SESSIONS

The concept: a black cab, extremely talented musicians, unplugged.
Here with the young Swedish duo First Aid Kit!

"If you're always hiding, no one will find you."
Maël Coillard

"Some men just want to watch the world burn"

Ja och man vet ju aldrig vad som händer sen

Parachute

I was trying to draw a parachute and I couldn't fucking get it right
The lines were too crooked
or they didn't reach each other like I wanted them too
or one side was bigger than the other
or one side was uglier than the other

So I struggled with it
Erased, re-drew, erased, re-drew.
And suddenly I realized
that I had been stuck on one of its sides
trying to fix it and trying to
make it match the other,
make it make the parachute perfect.

It hit me
that I couldn't keep myself fixated on only one of the sides
it's a fucking parachute
it needs to be balanced
and harmonic, and the sides need to be equal
and they deserve the equal amount of attention
and it's not fair
to rely on one of them
for stability and support
and protection from falling
or failing.

In the process of drawing the perfect parachute, I stumbled upon reality.
And actually,
there is no such thing as "perfect"
I'd like to know who coined that word
or portrayed that vision
of something flawless,
making the world miserable
constantly forgetting what it actually has,
in search of this undefinable, abstract [questionmark]

In the deepest of concentration, a thought crossed my mind:
that I was making the same mistake with the parachute
as I did with us.

Poopin'

Today I watched "Waste Land" a documentary about the artist Vik Muniz's project "Pictures of Garbage". It was entertaining, inspiring, and the final work of the project is beautiful. I recommend it to anyone, whether or not you're interested in art is irrelevant!

Unfortunately photobooth and I couldn't accomplish the same magic.

Overloaded

My imagination has stopped imagining

I try to write but there has been a holocaust in my mind
and my words are all dead
I believe it might be because I blamed them
for all the wrongs in my life
And now I miss them
just like
I miss you
even though
I blame you, too

I had been waiting for this for so long
And the minute I arrived, I disappeared
And now I can't find myself
and
because of yesterday,
I'm scared
of today, and tomorrow
and I'm scared
of the moment when myself returns
and I'll realize that my time is gone
that minutes have passed and everything
is just like it was
I.still.can't.breathe

But what does it matter
when it doesn't matter?
How can I change
the way it has all been
when it has been what it has been for so long
that nobody can remember what it was before.
And I keep saying that
repeating it
over and over again,
that I can't remember
how it was or how it felt,
I can't even remember
how it feels to feel or
how it feels to HAVE felt
because that has died and been buried
and its offspring is dead as well
and the generation after that,
everyone and everything is just dead
and nobody remembers where they've been buried
so it's not possible to pay a visit
and try to recall the past and its inhabitants,
the Feelings.

Hence all I feel is gravity
a powerful sense of aversion which keeps pulling me down
and keeps my transient consciousness alive
and tells me
"YOU'RE HERE"
I am
on Earth
the place where I least of all want to be
amongst liars and thieves
amongst millions of copies of waste with no souls
walking around in void
they have you all fooled

I hide in the bottle and when I look out
there are no smiles,
no meetings I wish to be a part of
and that's clear,
but nobody understands
but,
I can hear my name and I hear people
or those who consider themselves people
millions of copies of waste with no souls,
walking around in their void called everyday,
in their filthy and shameless plan called society

They think they want so much
but
they're lying
because they don't want anything at all,
I'm pleased
as long as I have food and cigarettes and an occasional fuck
yes then I'm pleased because what more can you ask for?
What is depth, what is happiness?
Harmony died in the Middle Ages,
now the modern has the upper hand
Less is more, it means the emptier the better,
it means that these millions of copies of waste with no souls
are everything,
because they are nothing

MY EVERYTHING

Today is no ordinary day; it is the birthday of my best friend, my purpose in life, my guidance and light. I think it's the first time in 10 years that I'm not by her side on this day, but in my mind we are on a tiny deserted island somewhere surrounded by turquoise waters, spending quality time just the way we always do. Volim te naj vise!