A little story

You're one of those people. One of those people who don't want to admit that they actually, really, truly believe in unconditional love. Everlasting, satisfying, fulfilling love. You went through your early teens pretending like you never gave a shit about anyone, when the truth is you were just wishing you had someone to care for. You've always been the stonecold one, the one that yawns whenever the subject of such an illusion as "love" is brought up. The one whose face reflects nothing but boredom, the one who changes the subject saying "come on, let's talk about next weekend" or "hey everybody, who wants another beer?".

You're the one who is always single. Always up for a night out, always disappointed when your friends turn you down saying they've made plans for a stay-at-home-movienight with their girlfriend or boyfriend. You have the same reaction to it every single time, laughing out loud saying "damn, when did you become such a lameass? Whatever, I'll just have to enjoy myself then". You go home, feeling emptier than ever, wondering if you should call that pickup from last Tuesday's "afterwork".

And then, all of a sudden, just like in the movies(!), you meet someone. Under the most random circumstances, when and where you least expect it, you meet someone who makes you wonder. Someone who teases your heart and not your genitals. You meet someone who turns you into what you've always pretended to despise and but truthfylly, always envied. A person who fills you with hope and belief. All of a sudden, you feel like there is new purpose in life. You have a new reason to get out of bed, and get dressed. You start doing your hair and wearing make-up. You notice how you smile a lot more often, without actually being aware of it. All of a sudden, you are sure you found the one. That one person who is supposed to make all evil go away. The person who is supposed to break down your walls, the one who is supposed to understand you when nobody else ever has. You believe, that this person will do so. You give your heart and soul. You nourish your relationship to this person with everything you own. Your feelings, your common sense of logic, your time, even your money. You will do anything. You do anything.
You give up everything.

But of course. Nothing in life comes for free. This person turns out to be someone else. He or she turns out to be the opposit of who you thought you loved. All the happiness you felt, turns into pain and disappointment more immense and excrutiating than you would have thought was ever possible. And since you gave everything, anything, you're left with nothing. And then, you regret ever believing. But time can not be turned back.

"Show me what I'm looking for"

For two nights in a row, I've had the strangest dreams. It feels like somebody is trying to tell me something. But I've dreamt these kinds of strange things before, and ignored them. It's such a shame. I'm one of those people, you know. One of those people who are naive enough to use dreams as an excuse to do something they simply just feel like doing.

"Let's kiss like we used to"

 

PICS) Peace and Love festival, 2010

I don't know

PICS) An awesome week with my best friend. Malta, 2010

"I'm all out of faith"

 

PICS) A rainy "winter is fading away" kind of day, Gotland, 2010

"I forget that I am just like everybody else"

This video and song is one of my favourites, by one of my favourite bands Miike Snow. The video is so... Unique.

Why do words hurt so much?

It shouldn't hurt me to be free
It's what I really need
To pull myself together
But if it's so good being free
Would you mind telling me
Why I don't know what to do with myself

To be free - Emiliana Torrini 

"I want the world to stop"

There is a voice within me that softly whispers sweet tales of another life. I need something new... Something to lift me out of bed, out of blue. I need something to save me, fulfill me, inspire me. I'm sorry it can't be you. I need to search my soul for truth.

"I'M NOT READY TO MAKE NICE"

 

PICS) The same face in different places, 2010

"I ain't no nice guy after all"

Tonight, I will be watching "Candy".

Imaginary life

 

PICS) A little glimpse of my morning, 2011

All during the fall and the continuous winter, my immune defence has been reluctant and strong enough to keep me from catching a cold or a terrible cough. Up until now, that is. I've been lying in bed sick all day and will probably continue to do so. Watching films is pretty much all I will do and have done lately. I enjoy films that contain some sort of message, preferably one that explains human nature in some way. Films that have been based on true stories are also my cup of tea, whichever the stories are. The more traumatic or heroic, the better (like The Basketball Diaries or Into The Wild). As long as it's not some stupid clichée and has some depth and meaning to it, it's likely to be a good film. Out of the one's I've recently seen, Cemetary Junction was a real favourite. And now... I intend to stop boring you people with my nonsense. It's just that I'm slightly bored myself.

Blame it on the times, all will be fine

I feel somewhat empty. Like there is a hollow space within me waiting to be filled. Waiting... Feels like something I do a lot. Waiting for better times, waiting for new adventures, waiting for exciting feelings, waiting... I don't want to wait anymore.

"Never been here before"

I was not alone. I stood there, with so many people around me, nevertheless feeling like the loneliest person on earth.  I looked up to see the fireworks. By then my sight was clouded enough to confuse me. My eyes caught one explosion or two. "This is the last time." I thought. "The last new years eve I will spend in a place where I least of all want to be."

So I reached for my phone. Maybe technology can take me someplace else. "Your call has been disconnected."
You're never there when I need you.

WORD

"One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. 

You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister.

Everyone is finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home.

Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. 

Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. 

Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.”

Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back.

Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need.

This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life.

Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are."

by Paulo Coelho


But the truth of the matter is, it hurts way too much.

"And I, I, I, believe in you"

 

In great lack of inspiration and peace of mind, I share with you old, very old photos.

PIC1) Coldplay, 2008 I believe

PIC2&3) China, 2009

"Live tomorrow"

Hey there people. I want to wish the world a happy new year. I have a lot in mind for 2011 and most of all I just wish to straighten out my life and figure out what I want to do with it.