Uncover

I've spent seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years in self inflicted darkness with my eyes covered in the blindfold of my fears and untrust. Now in the moment where I decided that the time has finally come to allow myself to see and understand what I have been hiding from, I suddenly find myself standing in a desert alone. Thirsty and craving for freedom I run and the sand slaps me in the face, my tears struggle to fall, my feelings are in battle with my conscience, my mind is at war. I keep running feeling like my heart is beating out of my chest and I look behind me trying to find out what I'm running from.

Nothing is there to be discovered and I realise that I am running from myself, nevertheless I will not stop, I can not stop. My own self is the threat to my existence.

After all this time in blindness, vision is overwhelming. I try to grip the hands of time to beg it to stop passing, to stop leaving me behind in all my despair. Time will not listen and my hands are benumbing in the constant wait, outstretched for someone to hold.

Eventually the scenery around me changes, I find this a proof that nothing is everlasting, a proof that I am human and my life is a circle of events - I am a footprint, a breath, a kiss, a muscle contracting from pain and agony. I am an embryo, soon to be fetus, soon to be a baby entering this world hearing the vibrations of my own screaming… Little waves, little atoms, little beings. I don't want to be here.

I undress and leave my skin covered in nothing but hope, the same hope I thought I had lost somewhere along the line of the roads I have fumbled to find my way in. I dive in to the ocean of my emotions and discover that I can not swim. I feel my lungs filling with disappointment, betrayal, loneliness, anxiety. My body is gradually heavier and I sink deeper and deeper. A white light flashes before my eyes and I feel myself becoming one with the water, becoming one with my senses. At last, peace.

Old school

N.E.R.D - Provider

"I don't wanna be another cocaine story
Will I find my sanity
Where I find my glory"

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY

Interdependent

"Something always brings me back to you"

Berlin 2012

the xx

The xx in concert November 28th, in Göteborg. Speechless.

All of a sudden it comes back to you

JAG BRYR MIG INTE OM DÖRRKRANSAR OCH JULGRANAR OCH LUSSEBULLAR. Jag bryr mig inte om att det är vinter och jag bryr mig inte heller om de som tycker att det är trevligt, än mindre bryr jag mig om de som tycker att det är förjävligt. Faktum är att det finns väldigt lite jag bryr mig om just nu. Jag känner mig som en vätebomb som väntar på att sprängas, invändigt. Så skulle jag förvandlas till den fövridna varelse jag tycker mig vara. Så kunde ni alla se, hur jag egentligen ser ut. Förstörd, förruttnad, förnedrad, förvriden och förstenad i detta tillstånd, orörlig så när som på fingrarna som drar i håret och naglarna som skär i huden. Det gör inte ont, jag vet bara inte vem jag är.

"Would you still love me if I unzipped my skin and showed you how I was rotting from the inside and out?"

"Fear is a funny thing" I say out loud so the whole world can hear me laughing at it, whilst it's eating me from the inside. FEAR FEAR FEAR. I'm afraid, I'm fucking scared to death of what's happening inside of me, around me. If I was ever doubting myself before, doubt is not enough to describe what I'm feeling now. I can see my flesh being eaten by all the things I don't understand, until all that's left is bones. I can see my bones being chewed up, spat out and as I leave the remains of my body my empty laughter is suddenly filled with meaning. It was all a stupid game, a game I failed to play.