Love not strong yet you feel like holding on

At this very moment my heart is pounding so hard, it's making me feel like I need to vomit. My mind is racing, where am I? I'm sitting on the odd sofa, the one that me and my best friend couldn't really figure out where to place. The one that looks better one way but feels better the other. My fingers are itching, God I need to write! I need to scream, I need to jump, I need to project all this emotion into something wild and free. It won't stop, this pounding. This racing, I'm im competition against myself, how shall this end?

Wow, it's so amazing... The last time I felt like this I was in another country, on another planet. Everything was... So much more. While I was standing on the beach with bare feet in the sand, watching the enormous waves crashing against the still surface of the water, overwhelming - indeed it was. When the waves came down, crawled up towards me I felt like they washed away all my sins. I was in the water, on the water, "damn am I Jesus"? "What is going on", I thought. I could hear people, see them laughing and I felt their happiness in the bottom of my chest, how strongly I felt it! The sun came down and made the sky look like a canvas, my canvas. I painted it red, yellow, gold and silver. I made the water crystalised. It glittered as if there were a million diamonds in it screaming to be seen. Wow. Wow. Wow. I wanted to swim, I was not afraid, I had no anxiety. I started spinning around, trying to copy everything I saw and felt in my mind; as if I would ever forget it. No, these memories would haunt me, as they do now. When I lay in my bed quietly wishing to go back to that place, the beauty turns into pain so immense, you would think I'm a victim of ancient Chinese torture.

But that was then, this is now. It is now, I am sitting on the odd sofa trying to sort my thoughts from one another. "Don't get all mixed up" I tell them. "I want to understand you." Is it not astounding? The mysterious ways of the mind. It's power, and one's own power to affect it with substances, impressions, feelings. Keep your mind open, keep your mind open, keep your mind open. Keep your mind controlled... When was the last time I could control my mind? I'm in no control, I've lost control, I don't want to be in control of myself. I want myself to take me someplace else, someplace liberated from all demands, all judgement. I wish I could take a photo of my thoughts right now. They are so unrestrained, so frantic, so chaotic. No order! No holding back! "RUN DEEP, RUN WILD." I can't stop. I won't stop.