"I'll get over this, eventually"

November 18th. 09.30, the alarm rings. No I don't want to leave bed. 10.00, mother calls. No I don't want to leave bed. 11.10, horrible nightmare? ..dream? It is time to leave bed. Eat breakfast, pretend everything is fine. Get dressed, pretend everything is fine. Why do I feel so lonely? Be social, pretend everything is fine. Go to the local store, pretend everything is fine. Come home, nobody is there. Why do I feel so lonely? make a phonecall, there is no one to answer. Make another phonecall. "I'm sorry honey, you know I care, I just can't talk right now." Why do I feel so lonely? Take care of the youngest in the family, watch her innocent face light up over the littlest things. Pretend everything is fine. Lie down on the floor. Pretend everything is fine. Take a walk. Keep walking. Remember to breathe. Keep breathing. Keep walking. Avoid the bridge. Avoid the eagerness to jump off the bridge. Keep walking. Make another phonecall. Explain how you feel. It didn't help. Why do I feel so lonely? Feel weakness taking over. Go home. Hear your stomache screaming. Cook something to make it shut up. Pretend everything is fine. Go to bed, wake up, go to work, pretend everything is fine. Socialize, fantasize, and finally realize.
Nothing is ever going to be fine.