Here we are now

I'm dazed, amazed. Life is just so fucking unpredictable.

"Saw your picture on a silver coin"

I don't know what to write. I try, but I can't right now. Nothing is in it's right place. Nothing is as it should be. I can not feel the words. I can not feel.

How does it feel?

I think out loud to myself. "What is life about?" I whisper it softly, my voice is poisoned by my insecurity. "Love." It eats me, this repulsive fact, I don't want it to be true.  I don't want my life to revolve around something that does nothing but hurt. Oh how it hurts! It tears me apart, it beats me up, it knocks me down.

Once again, it pains me. I love you.

"You killed it, with 'I love you'"

Sometimes I'm struck by a fact that I usually despise. I'm human. I'm only human. What makes me realise that is my life. Or just life itself. It is full of surprises and it never calms down. Sometimes I see things, things that I haven't seen before, and I feel so stupid and ignorant for not having understood those things until that certain moment. Sometimes, circumstances are overwhelming. Imagine that you're on a yacht, a luxurious yacht with all the material things that you could ever wish for. You feel safe, you feel settled. You're with some people who make you comfortable enough, they aren't extraordinary but they're OK. Everything is just OK. And all of a sudden, the yacht sinks. It's fate, it's a coincidence, it's whatever; it happens. The yacht sinks and you find yourself struggling, the waves are so much stronger than you. You're so small, you have no control, you're in over your head - literally. All of a sudden, you're safety zone is below the surface and you're OK surrounding is gone.

You'd come across the greatest feeling of despair, confusion and fear. That's life. Things happen, you can't control it. And the beautiful thing about it is what I want you to imagine next. You're almost ready to give up, to let go, to become one with the great sea and there they are. New people. A rescue team, the Scouts or just a bunch of random people on a fishing boat. They're there now, they're the ones who save you. And you're experience did not make your life better or worse, it just put it into new perspective.

Crossroads

I haven't felt like writing anything new in a while, so I thought I'd share with you something old. Once again in the tongue of the North! 

Det är sommar. Du är så het men kylan du avger ger mig rysningar tusen gånger om. Din glasartade blick genomborrar hela min existens. Jag önskar att jag vore i dig. I dina händer, så jag kunde göra allt så vackert som bara din beröring kan. I dina ögon, så jag kunde se mitt fula Jag med sanning. I ditt hjärta, så jag kunde möblera om och slänga bort alla andra inneboende. I ditt huvud, så jag kunde läsa alla och envar av dina tankar, smaka på dem, låta dem smälta samman med mina. I dig, så vi kunde vara ett, och denna stundtals förekommande, självbyggande mur kunde rivas för gott. Så det kunde vara Vi och inte Du, inte Jag. I dig, så du kunde känna min puls öka vid din närhet. Så du kunde simma över dina tvivels flod utan flytväst. Så du kunde släppa alla hämningar och älska vilt, villkorslöst och fritt. Jag önskar jag kunde vara i dig, så jag evigt slapp vara utan dig. Så jag evigt vore med dig.  Och vi vore tillsammans Allt.

***

Höger och vänster, jag vänder och vrider i min olycka. Inte dit, inte hit - nej du förstår inte mig. Jag ser mig om och springer iväg, jag vill inte. Jag vill inte möta din varma blick och se temperaturen i den sjunka, vid åsynen av mina tomma ögon. Jag är din men det gör dig inte rikare, du är en miljon men +0 gör ingen skillnad. Dina benämningar, dina beskrivningar, det du tror att du har funnit hos mig... Det enda ovanliga som döljer sig i min själ är kombinationen av rädsla och apati spetsat med olidlig passion. De skilda tankarna slåss om min uppmärksamhet, mitt hjärta slits åt motsatta håll. Men jag är din, jag är din, jag är din. Med dig är jag inte längre halv, du reparerar sakta skadorna efter mina misstag, mina jordskalv. Jag vill ge dig, jag vill ge dig allt.

Fingertip, slip

I told you I love you,
well I lied, I lied
I wanted to love you,
I swear I tried, I tried
now I need some rest,
because I'm tired, so tired
but it's so hard to leave,
I feel tied, I'm tied
I can't think of you, or hear our song
everything about us is just so wrong
there are things about me,
you don't understand nor stand
yes I bet it's hard to fulfill
my needs, my demands
well I wish that I loved you,
but I just can't, I can't.

"A book like this"

I chopped an avocado into small pieces, poured the juice of a whole lemon on it and now I'm eating it. It needs some salt, though. Anyway, my little salad made me think of a quotation. There is a quotation that says "When life gives you lemons, squeeze them." isn't there? I'm not sure, but I think so. And if so, I have an opinion to share. THAT MUST BE THE MOST RIDICULOUS QUOTATION I HAVE EVER HEARD IN MY NOT SO LONG LIFE. How stupid? Seriously, is that supposed to make ANYONE feel better about ANYTHING? When life gives you lemons, squeeze them? I mean come on. If someone would try to cheer me up by saying that, I'd go Texas chainsaw massacre on their ass.


Yeah that's about all I had to say. I'm travelling again tomorrow and I'll be gone for 15 days. In April, I promise to share a lot of photos. Right now I feel really inspired, I want to exploit that fact to the fullest. And when I'm done exploiting, I'll share. But I have a feeling the inspiration isn't going anywhere. It first came along with my travelling to India, and now my travelling to the Middle-East, but once I come back home... It will be staying with spring and summer.

Well it's all always the same

I wrote this about a year and a half ago.

"What does it help? What does it help to feel? What does it help to write? What does it help to paint? What does it help to try to express yourself? When you keep things to yourself, you crash within. When you let it out, everything crashes around you."

Love me when I hate you, maybe I won't leave you

 

 

PICS) Goa and Hampi, India 2011

Today is sunday

Hereby I present you some words in Swedish. They are my words and I can choose to express them in whichever language I please. Yes, even the languages I can't actually speak.

"Jag älskar dig" sa jag. "Jag älskar dig" sa jag högre. "JAG ÄLSKAR DIG! JAG ÄLSKAR DIG!! JAG ÄLSKAR DIG!!!" skrek jag så högt och så länge, så hårt att mina lungor imploderade och jag fann icke styrka att tala mer. Den lade sig då tillrätta i djupet av dina ljusa ögon, där enbart jag hör hemma. Där lade den sig ned och hånlog mot mig. Din rädsla. Med omedelbar verkan trädde kylan in. Muren som jag trodde hade rivits återuppbyggdes med förnyad kraft. Jag huttrade till. Du vände dig bort. Sedan skedde det ofattbara. Det vackra. Solen steg åter och jag såg i dina ögon ett slag. Där låg rädslan, nedbruten och drunknande. Där låg den och skrek efter hjälp, där låg den och skrek mörka, manipulativa ord om hur den aldrig skulle svika dig. Där låg den och led, ty kärleken fanns numer. Där var den, den värmande och belysta kärleken som jag sökt och åter sökt, där för att stanna. Jag kämpade och jag vann. Du skall icke sluta dig, du skall icke lämna mig mer. Förseglade voro mina ord med en kyss.

Words of my own

For as long as I can remember
I always had my eyes on the prize
Well I was aiming for truth but came across a surprise
See there are such things as lies
And these things, see they tend to ruin lives
They generate hate and motivate goodbye's

Well I was yours and now I am... Lost.

And you should have fought.

"Run deep, run wild"

Lykke Li - I follow rivers

Can't wait until May 2nd.

TRUE DAT

Recent uploads on gotwisdom that really do make sense.

823. IF YOU DON’T WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE, JUST TELL THEM. 99% OF THE TIME THEY AREN’T GOING TO STAB YOU AND WILL JUST UNDERSTAND. THE OTHER 1% OF THE TIME, WELL, THAT IS JUST YOUR OWN FAULT FOR BEING AROUND DERANGED PEOPLE WITH KNIVES TO BEGIN WITH.

 

822. JEALOUSY KILLS. NOT ACTUAL PEOPLE OR ANYTHING… BUT RELATIONSHIPS.

 

820. IF YOU KEEP LISTENING TO YOUR HEART, WHAT IS THE POINT IN YOUR BRAIN EVEN BEING THERE?

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO THINK LOGICALLY.

815. IF SOMEONE WANTS TO BE WITH YOU, THEY’LL MAKE IT HAPPEN.

DON’T OBSESS OVER TRYING TO FORCE A RELATIONSHIP, IF IT’S NOT MEANT TO BE IT’S NOT MEANT TO BE; IF IT IS, HOWEVER, YOU WONT EVEN NEED TO FORCE ANYTHING AT ALL.

 

 

I'm just a rude, arrogant little girl. And you're a nobody.

 

PICS) Summer in the city, Stockholm, 2010

I am so sick of this neverending winter. The negative effect it has on me could cause a major tornado, or something like it. I need to run away for a while, to be inspired, to feel alive again.

"Alla som älskar mig får lära sig att vänta"

My imagination. We're kissing, laughing, having a pretend pillowfight. Making sandwiches and tea. Watching a crappy movie just to have an excuse to focus on eachother and not the screen. Time to spoon. Strange, I can't feel the cold wind anymore.

Reality. We're miles apart. Bitter, insecure, sometimes also apathic. I hear your voice, you hear mine but I'm not really here. You're not there. You're not listening. YOU DON'T KNOW. But it's my fault. I guess I just demand more... More than possible to give. Now it's all about who'll be fast enough to hang up first. Practise makes perfect. If I'm a slut, you're a moron. That's all for today.