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Wise is he who does not speak

I love Lykke Li.



"The Only"

Don't stand by my window
Don't knock on my door
Don't even enter my chambers
Don't you bother coming by anymore

Leave me alone with my fever
Leave me alone with my plea
Leave me alone where you left me
Leave me alone with my wound

They won't let me go, no
The can't let me out, no
They won't let me walk, no

And don't chase a night that is leaving
Don't chase a life that is lost
Stay on your side as a reason
To be alone with my wound

I'm staying seventeen
Forever seventeen...

Iron. Y

The first time I laid my eyes on you. Drunk on wine, I stared into your hazy mind. There was no ground beneath us, we were in the sea. From then on, it's been you and me. And the birds still fly, the sun still smiles. Now I'm running from my racing heart, running far from you. So I open the window and I jump out, can't hear music and don't feel doubt. From below you see me and loudly you shout "DON'T MY LOVE, YOU'LL RIP MY HEART OUT!". Oh... How sweet. How late. I played our story over and again, it mustn't have been fate but it was no coincidence. Loved me, you say? Dear, let me laugh your pain away. I will haunt you forever now that I am a ghost. The touch of my skin is what you will miss the most.

Sorrow is the only child

05:50 The alarm goes off. Press snooze. What was that dream about? I haven't thought of you in years. Twist and turn under the covers. The cold outside causes a shiver down my spine. I just want to sleep. Close my eyes, the alarm goes off again. Damn it! Get up, get dressed. Shove down make-up and breakfast in a bag. Run to the bus.

06:58 Catch the train. Sit down by the window. Put make-up on. See people staring, read their thoughts. "Poor girl. She overslept and now she's making a fool of herself on the train." Have breakfast. Read the paper. "Stalkers cannot be stopped by prohibitations." Wow... Issues.

07:55 Just in time for work. "Good morning! :)" No actually, it has not been a very good morning. "Good morning. Hope I'm not late." Sit down, start working. Take a break. Have tea. Work some more. Have some more tea.

16:55 Prepare for the 70 minute long way home. Turn on your iPod. Switch off your senses. Whatever.

20:15 Take a walk. Smoke 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 cigarettes in a row. Feel nothing. Sit down and watch people. Notice an older, bald man. Wonder if he has cancer. Or if he's ever raped a woman. Or if he has children. Wonder how old they are. If they know what he's doing this very moment. Wonder if he feels lonely. We all feel lonely.

21:50 Walk back home. Brush teeth. Fall asleep. Dream about freedom. And you.

"I could give so much more"

... Relationships are strange.

"I was sure, you'd give me more."

They are just words. Just words.

Sitting on our spot with someone new
We would never last, that I always knew
Our trust was never true

Your friend said he saw me kissing someone else
What could I do, his random ways just made me melt
I wish I could explain to you, everything I felt

I want to call you, but I have nothing to say
Maybe I should leave it for some other day
For now, I'll just drink my troubles away


Oh come on. Every poet needs a clichée rhyme in the record.

"I'll waste my time"

"Just travelling"

What is a life that makes you feel dead? What is a heart worth without emotion. I forgot how it feels to feel. Where am I now, where will I be? I lost control of me, all I can hear is him who with passion speaks. There are dogs around me but I no longer feel fear. I went to a foreign land, to which I'd never been. Saw beauty in nature and people I'd never earlier seen. In a strange, silent way; they spoke to me. Gradually I learnt what it's really like to be free. However you put it, the truth is pure and everlasting. I really don't know what is happening. We sat quietly. Music spoke what we needed to say. Can my life just get out of my way? I need freedom, time, space. I need to find my own place... I long for love, true and free, but love is excessive I do believe.

Notes from my visit in India.

Life was not made to be lived alone

Love not strong yet you feel like holding on

At this very moment my heart is pounding so hard, it's making me feel like I need to vomit. My mind is racing, where am I? I'm sitting on the odd sofa, the one that me and my best friend couldn't really figure out where to place. The one that looks better one way but feels better the other. My fingers are itching, God I need to write! I need to scream, I need to jump, I need to project all this emotion into something wild and free. It won't stop, this pounding. This racing, I'm im competition against myself, how shall this end?

Wow, it's so amazing... The last time I felt like this I was in another country, on another planet. Everything was... So much more. While I was standing on the beach with bare feet in the sand, watching the enormous waves crashing against the still surface of the water, overwhelming - indeed it was. When the waves came down, crawled up towards me I felt like they washed away all my sins. I was in the water, on the water, "damn am I Jesus"? "What is going on", I thought. I could hear people, see them laughing and I felt their happiness in the bottom of my chest, how strongly I felt it! The sun came down and made the sky look like a canvas, my canvas. I painted it red, yellow, gold and silver. I made the water crystalised. It glittered as if there were a million diamonds in it screaming to be seen. Wow. Wow. Wow. I wanted to swim, I was not afraid, I had no anxiety. I started spinning around, trying to copy everything I saw and felt in my mind; as if I would ever forget it. No, these memories would haunt me, as they do now. When I lay in my bed quietly wishing to go back to that place, the beauty turns into pain so immense, you would think I'm a victim of ancient Chinese torture.

But that was then, this is now. It is now, I am sitting on the odd sofa trying to sort my thoughts from one another. "Don't get all mixed up" I tell them. "I want to understand you." Is it not astounding? The mysterious ways of the mind. It's power, and one's own power to affect it with substances, impressions, feelings. Keep your mind open, keep your mind open, keep your mind open. Keep your mind controlled... When was the last time I could control my mind? I'm in no control, I've lost control, I don't want to be in control of myself. I want myself to take me someplace else, someplace liberated from all demands, all judgement. I wish I could take a photo of my thoughts right now. They are so unrestrained, so frantic, so chaotic. No order! No holding back! "RUN DEEP, RUN WILD." I can't stop. I won't stop.

Here we are now

I'm dazed, amazed. Life is just so fucking unpredictable.

"Saw your picture on a silver coin"

I don't know what to write. I try, but I can't right now. Nothing is in it's right place. Nothing is as it should be. I can not feel the words. I can not feel.

How does it feel?

I think out loud to myself. "What is life about?" I whisper it softly, my voice is poisoned by my insecurity. "Love." It eats me, this repulsive fact, I don't want it to be true.  I don't want my life to revolve around something that does nothing but hurt. Oh how it hurts! It tears me apart, it beats me up, it knocks me down.

Once again, it pains me. I love you.

"You killed it, with 'I love you'"

Sometimes I'm struck by a fact that I usually despise. I'm human. I'm only human. What makes me realise that is my life. Or just life itself. It is full of surprises and it never calms down. Sometimes I see things, things that I haven't seen before, and I feel so stupid and ignorant for not having understood those things until that certain moment. Sometimes, circumstances are overwhelming. Imagine that you're on a yacht, a luxurious yacht with all the material things that you could ever wish for. You feel safe, you feel settled. You're with some people who make you comfortable enough, they aren't extraordinary but they're OK. Everything is just OK. And all of a sudden, the yacht sinks. It's fate, it's a coincidence, it's whatever; it happens. The yacht sinks and you find yourself struggling, the waves are so much stronger than you. You're so small, you have no control, you're in over your head - literally. All of a sudden, you're safety zone is below the surface and you're OK surrounding is gone.

You'd come across the greatest feeling of despair, confusion and fear. That's life. Things happen, you can't control it. And the beautiful thing about it is what I want you to imagine next. You're almost ready to give up, to let go, to become one with the great sea and there they are. New people. A rescue team, the Scouts or just a bunch of random people on a fishing boat. They're there now, they're the ones who save you. And you're experience did not make your life better or worse, it just put it into new perspective.

Crossroads

I haven't felt like writing anything new in a while, so I thought I'd share with you something old. Once again in the tongue of the North! 

Det är sommar. Du är så het men kylan du avger ger mig rysningar tusen gånger om. Din glasartade blick genomborrar hela min existens. Jag önskar att jag vore i dig. I dina händer, så jag kunde göra allt så vackert som bara din beröring kan. I dina ögon, så jag kunde se mitt fula Jag med sanning. I ditt hjärta, så jag kunde möblera om och slänga bort alla andra inneboende. I ditt huvud, så jag kunde läsa alla och envar av dina tankar, smaka på dem, låta dem smälta samman med mina. I dig, så vi kunde vara ett, och denna stundtals förekommande, självbyggande mur kunde rivas för gott. Så det kunde vara Vi och inte Du, inte Jag. I dig, så du kunde känna min puls öka vid din närhet. Så du kunde simma över dina tvivels flod utan flytväst. Så du kunde släppa alla hämningar och älska vilt, villkorslöst och fritt. Jag önskar jag kunde vara i dig, så jag evigt slapp vara utan dig. Så jag evigt vore med dig.  Och vi vore tillsammans Allt.

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Höger och vänster, jag vänder och vrider i min olycka. Inte dit, inte hit - nej du förstår inte mig. Jag ser mig om och springer iväg, jag vill inte. Jag vill inte möta din varma blick och se temperaturen i den sjunka, vid åsynen av mina tomma ögon. Jag är din men det gör dig inte rikare, du är en miljon men +0 gör ingen skillnad. Dina benämningar, dina beskrivningar, det du tror att du har funnit hos mig... Det enda ovanliga som döljer sig i min själ är kombinationen av rädsla och apati spetsat med olidlig passion. De skilda tankarna slåss om min uppmärksamhet, mitt hjärta slits åt motsatta håll. Men jag är din, jag är din, jag är din. Med dig är jag inte längre halv, du reparerar sakta skadorna efter mina misstag, mina jordskalv. Jag vill ge dig, jag vill ge dig allt.