The following words are the lyrics written by my dear friend Emil Erstrand to "White Fox", a song to be released by him and his band Grapell in April. 

So much to fill with something

And little to take of meaning

Study the words of ancient ghosts

Or just get a child

Let’s have a child, you and I

A little kiss behind the pole

A white fox in the snow

When someone held a weapon to your throat

Then I knew what to do

No one knows you like a do

When I put my hands on you

A garden in rain, a garden in rain

The spring fire is tamed

My body behaves in strange ways

I move your hair from your face

No one knows you like I do

When I put my hands on you

So much to say about nothing at all

And so long between the feelings

Study the words of ancient ghosts

Or just get a child

Let’s have a child, you and I

No one scares you like a do

When I put my hands on you

I dare me

From the day I first heard myself thinking I have searched;
for an answer, a guide, a meaning.
I haven't found it yet,
so I have now decided to stop looking for it.

I believe it's like looking for your keys when you're in a hurry
the stress eats you from the inside
and your frustration takes a hold of you.
You look everywhere where they SHOULD be,
where they are not,
only to find that you were holding them in your hand the whole time.

I'm only what I think.
And I think of how I feel.
I won't find deep meaning and purpose staring myself blind
looking everywhere I think it should be.
So it's time to stop looking
and start being.


To let go,
is just another way of pushing the limit.

CAN'T HOLD US DOWN

International women's day! 

TO MY GIRLS ALL AROUND THE WORLD.

Om du undrar

"Berätta, hur mår du?"

Jag vaknar med borderline. Jag går och lägger mig med melankolisk depression. Bara ibland är jag schizofren, det är sällan jag drabbas av psykoser. Jag kan lämna mig själv då och då, för att betrakta mig utifrån. Det är ingen vacker syn jag möts av. Jag vet inte, hur ska man må? Vad ska jag säga för att du ska förstå?

"Hur känner du dig?"

Jag känner mig ensam. Som att jag inte ens är med mig själv. Totalt utelämnad åt världen och världen skrämmer mig. Jag förstår inte mitt syfte riktigt. Vad är det meningen att jag ska göra här? Eller vad är det meningen att jag ska vilja göra? Jag vill bara må bra, men jag vet inte hur. Jag vet inte ens vem jag är. Kan du hjälpa mig att komma på det? Hur känns det... Det känns som att hela mitt liv har varit en lögn. Det känns som att jag är en lögn. Eller kanske är jag flera lögner.

"Beskriv en typisk tanke för mig."

Jag kan tänka att nuet är irreellt. Att det enda som existerar är en alternativ värld, för tanken på att existensen här... Jag förstår den inte. Jag kan tänka på hur konstigt det är att jag måste ha ett pass för att mitt liv ska vara giltigt. Att det skrämmer mig att jag inte är NÅGON utan det och att jag med det är bunden till att vara på ett visst sätt. Att följa samhälleliga normer, att lyda lagar... Jag finner det absurt att jag är en del i det stora uret som tickar vidare varje sekund och att människor som ska vara precis som jag, kan te sig så olika mig. Tänker de också så? Är det någon som ifrågasätter livet på samma sätt som jag?

"Hur kan en sådan tanke få dig att känna?"

Rädd! Jag vill inte vara med. Jag fick inte välja att födas här. Varför får jag inte välja att dö istället? Vem är det som har bestämt hur mitt liv ska se ut? Vad jag ska vilja ha utav det? Livet är fullt av lidande. Varför väljer man att lida? Jag känner mig... Tom. Som att jag inte har någon substans att rättfärdiga min existens med. Som att jag är en kista i mänsklig form. Innehållet, subjektet, är förlorat. Jag tycker det är ironiskt... Att tragiska händelser i våra dödliga liv får oss att tänka till och uppskatta det vi har. Pekar inte det på att vi faktiskt inte uppskattar livet? Stjärnorna skulle inte lysa utan mörkret, sägs det. Å andra sidan skulle väl avsaknad av mörker innebära ständigt ljus, inte sant?

Castles made of sand

I know myself well enough to know that I do not know myself

And I thought I was in love with you when in fact I loved the idea of loving you

Or the idea of being in love

And I tried and tried until there was nothing left for me to try except leaving

So I left you

And now I'm left

With no where to go and no one to love

I thought you could save me but in fact you're the one who needs to be saved

Because you couldn't accept how I refused to be enslaved

And I hope you will find who you're looking for, after you find yourself

I want a bumpy ride with no safety belt on

the big bad wolf

You found me in a time when I was lost. I could not bare to lose you. Let me be free and I will free you. In my mind where oceans meet so do we, intertwined you're inside of me and gone is my agony, I have tried but I can't deny the fact that I love you. I do, I love you but not the way you want me to, I love you from inside of me, outside of me but it's a love that needs me to remain free, for the minute I encage myself it too shall melt away and leave me wounded blaming you. So please don't leave me, let me grow with you and you, grow within me.

Each night I wish you next to me to feel your breath and I dream of the day when you will be here but I do not grief the days when you are not, grateful as I am to have come so close to inner harmony. With you I climb mountains and swim in lava and I never feel tired or hurt or burnt. With you I am and will always be, as long as you let me. Please forgive me my mortality, forgive when I leave the residence I share with you in heart, in mind. I will always come back and I am divided, into parts and to keep all parts together I must nourish them all with difference, not indifferent to what that may cause in you but incapable of any different ways of life, yet. We all change but change can not be forced, it must come naturally, gradually and I can't tell how far it is from me.

#

I feel it's time to write some nonsense.
My social network is full of people who tried to kill themselves and shit
junkies, rich kids, lesbians and anti-fascistic communists
and they're all little pieces of me.
So we try to live together in peace and harmony
yet we're blinded by rivalry and only see our enemies
but all we have is this one planet to share
and sharing is daring.

Misconceptions lead us into misbeliefs and on and on it goes
nobody is ever happy and nothing is for real
I'm just gonna have my last fix and I'm done
if I'm not it'll do me.
I'll be dead and consumption will stop consuming me
all these adhesive ads will no longer fool me
TRY ME, BUY ME, USE ME, LOSE ME.

In a fucked up world where all of us are lonely,
where we hate what we are
and try to become what no one should ever be.
Liars, thieves, pimps and prostitutes.
Dictators using their dicks and not minds to control
but who's to blame, power is exciting
and what people do to gain power is no longer surprising.

There are some pretty places where love has stole,
too bad we can't find them in this giant black hole.
There's nothing here to be felt, nothing to behold.
I chose to end it all and said goodbye to life
but as I felt my soul walking away
I made it turn around and say hello
because it's too soon to die and there's nowhere else to go
I know that one day there will be a way out of this heartbreaking cold.

THIS IS SO.... COOL.

Utilize randomize

The five last photos are taken in Fotografiska, where I went accompanied my two starfish to see the David LaChappelle exhibition. Loved and hated his work, which means it's great.  

You need to change direction

It's funny how we always assume that everything that happens has a reason for happening, and that we believe the reason in question to revolve around ourselves. This way we keep ourselves locked to the idea of life being a predetermined circle of events with the intention of changing us and our destinations in it. Maybe that is, but you're much better off avoiding labels on yourself, people around you and your circumstances. Keep your mind open to the insight that life is unpredictable and you are too.

At least I know I am.

Rust and bone

Det är den där telefonsvararen som påminner mig om min ensamhet

det är de där minusgraderna som inte ens känns kalla

det är mörkret i vilket jag har lärt mig att se

det är alla mil jag har gått utan att nå fram,

nå framåt

nå framgång.

Min smärta skriker efter dig och jag våndas 

mina tårar har svämmat över och jag drunknar

Jag kan inte mer.

Jag vill inte mer.

Alla gånger jag har fallit raklång

och i alla drömmar där jag har slagit ut mina tänder

för varje tand skulle någon dö,

men jag tror det bara varit olika delar av Mig som har gått bort

jag har några kvar

men jag vet inte vad de utgör. 

Jag föddes med ett pussel till hjärta

som man inte skulle lägga ihop utan plocka isär

och alla jag har mött har tagit sin bit

och rest, långt långt bort ifrån mig

ingen är kvar här
och där jag står finns ingenting 
varje dag har jag sett mig omkring
efter ett ljus, ett hopp, en hand, en tröst.
Efter kärleken som vi alla vill tro finns.
Tro.

Tro, du måste tro.

Uncover

I've spent seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years in self inflicted darkness with my eyes covered in the blindfold of my fears and untrust. Now in the moment where I decided that the time has finally come to allow myself to see and understand what I have been hiding from, I suddenly find myself standing in a desert alone. Thirsty and craving for freedom I run and the sand slaps me in the face, my tears struggle to fall, my feelings are in battle with my conscience, my mind is at war. I keep running feeling like my heart is beating out of my chest and I look behind me trying to find out what I'm running from.

Nothing is there to be discovered and I realise that I am running from myself, nevertheless I will not stop, I can not stop. My own self is the threat to my existence.

After all this time in blindness, vision is overwhelming. I try to grip the hands of time to beg it to stop passing, to stop leaving me behind in all my despair. Time will not listen and my hands are benumbing in the constant wait, outstretched for someone to hold.

Eventually the scenery around me changes, I find this a proof that nothing is everlasting, a proof that I am human and my life is a circle of events - I am a footprint, a breath, a kiss, a muscle contracting from pain and agony. I am an embryo, soon to be fetus, soon to be a baby entering this world hearing the vibrations of my own screaming… Little waves, little atoms, little beings. I don't want to be here.

I undress and leave my skin covered in nothing but hope, the same hope I thought I had lost somewhere along the line of the roads I have fumbled to find my way in. I dive in to the ocean of my emotions and discover that I can not swim. I feel my lungs filling with disappointment, betrayal, loneliness, anxiety. My body is gradually heavier and I sink deeper and deeper. A white light flashes before my eyes and I feel myself becoming one with the water, becoming one with my senses. At last, peace.

Old school

N.E.R.D - Provider

"I don't wanna be another cocaine story
Will I find my sanity
Where I find my glory"

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY